Im not a fan of kicking someone to the curb via email. If you dont want to be with someone have the balls to look them in the face and tell them. With that said, Ill make an exception for John here because calling her a "cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector" just works better in print...


These are real e-mails, the names have been changed to protect the innocent:




-----Original Message-----


From: [mailto:********]


Sent: Monday, ********


To: ******


Subject: ugh




John,


It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I wont even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I cant handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.


It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldnt crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I cant listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I dont know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didnt. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I cant imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didnt reflect that, and you would be correct.


I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.


I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you wont. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I cant even focus or work today, I cant eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please dont cut me off, I really dont think I can handle that.


I am so sorry.


Jane




-----Original Message-----


Sent: Monday, **********


Subject: Re: Ugh....enjoy.








Dear Jane,


Thank you for your concern. Ill be sure to file it away under "L" for:


"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldnt care less about".


You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if youre taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isnt as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.


To be honest, Im not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didnt Fuck him" somehow gave you a clean slate.


So forgive me if I couldnt care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, Im sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone elses feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends dont think youre a terrible person, they just think youre the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.


I could be wrong but, its pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though shes seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrells new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the mens room.


The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, well have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.


By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.




Talk to you never,


John


PS. I BCCd about 100 people on this email.






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